Charade
by pathetic otaku child
Summary: Smoke series fic Tanya Huff . When Lee persuades read:forces Tony to crossdress, only mayhem, humiliation and general chaos can come out of it. Humor crackfic


Title: Charade

Author: POCky

Warnings: homosexual peoples, cross-dressing, utter humiliation of poor Tony, mentioning of magic, ridiculous humor

Disclaimer: I don't own Tony Foster, Lee Nicholas, Henry Fitzroy, etc…The amazing Tanya Huff whom we must all worship does.

"I suddenly have a newfound respect for women and cross dressers," Tony muttered, trying to get himself back on his feet again.

Lee was trying, rather unsuccessfully, to stifle his chuckles as he casually leaned his elbows onto the back of his couch, watching.

"Do I wanna know where you got all these from?" Tony was unsteadily standing in a pair of black high heels. He motioned towards the collection of female clothing on the couch, and gave his boyfriend a strange look.

Who only raised an eyebrow and grinned.

"You're having way too much fun with this, you bastard."

"Maybe." Lee's grin widened. "You've really never done this before?"

Tony turned carefully and narrowed one eye. "What makes you think I might've? Just 'cause I'm gay, I go around in drag?"

Lee colored slightly and started hedging. "Uh, well…because of…I mean…your jobs…"

The wizard/ trainee assistant director took pity on him and walked the couple of steps over, almost falling twice, and planted a kiss on his forehead. "Once. In 7th grade. On a dare. But at least I still had my sneakers." He sighed, kicked off the high heels, and walked around the couch to lean next to Lee. "And I don't wanna talk about the repercussions of that…tell me again why I'm doing this?"

"Because I don't want to take another airheaded blonde to the party, but I don't know if I'm really ready to come out to the public."

"And, like I said, why can't I go in a monkey suit and say I'm your friend?"

"Because it's more amusing this way."

"You're an asshole. It'll be a hell of a lot worse for you if it goes wrong. Which it most likely will. I mean, we've got five o' clock shadow to worry about, my voice, certain body parts that I do or do not have. And there's no chance in hell I'm shaving my legs or waxing anything."

"But you have such nice legs."

Tony muttered something uncomplimentary under his breath and rubbed his face with his hand.

"All right."Lee patted his hand and stood up straight. "We'll skip the party and go on a date instead. A real date, But you have to wear the outfit I pick out."

The wizard tried to work his jaw. "I-"

"Good." Lee suddenly grinned in a way Tony wasn't certain he liked. "Use my bathroom. Take care of that five 'o' clock shadow. I'll get your clothes together."

Tony let out another sigh and turned toward the bathroom as his boyfriend pushed him. "I don't really have much of a choice, do I?"

"Nope."Lee shoved him again.

"Fuck."

"When exactly did you turn into a sadist?" Tony stared down at the outfit laid out for him. Gingerly, he poked at the strappy sandals as he eyed the periwinkle chiffon blouse. He was just glad that he got to wear jeans. They were girl jeans, but at least they were pants.

"Here, have some perfume." Lee tried to hand him a bottle.

"No!" Tony glared up at him, seriously disturbed. Where the hell was he getting all this crap?

Lee shrugged. "Well, hurry up and get changed. While you were in the bathroom, I got us a reservation at a nice romantic French place in an hour. Oh, and you'll need this." He handed Tony a push-up bra. "This has enough stuffing that you won't need any"

Tony managed to look amused, bewildered, angry, and exasperated all at once. Finally, he managed to croak out, "Romantic?"

"This is our first real date."

"It's not real. I'm in drag. And we have had dates. We went to see a movie, remember?"

Lee raised one eyebrow. "That was a slasher action movie with a lot of explosives and the highest body count I've ever seen."

"Yeah, and it was pretty damn cool."

"Granted, but most people wouldn't call that a date."

"We did. Called it one, I mean. And we shared a tub of popcorn."

"Ok. Fine. This is our first date in the socially accepted definition of the term. Happy?"

"No. Not really, no. But whatever. You just sure as fuck better make this up to me."

"I will."

"So sometime I can just waltz up on the soundstage and demand a-"

"Do you _want_ to get fired?"

"They can't fire me. I'm the wizard. And the TAD, but the point is I save everyone's asses."

Lee folded his arms. "And trouble keeps finding us."

"I told you! It's the soundstage's fault!"

"Yeah, but who's the one that keep blowing shit up and causing mass destruction?"

Silence.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go change now."

Tony kept picking at the hem of his blouse as he walked out of the bathroom again, only to be confronted by a grinning Lee. A grinning Lee armed with a wig.

At some point, Lee had changed into a lightly more formal outfit than boxer shorts and a t-shirt. Probably while Tony had spent 15 minutes trying to figure out how to put on the bra, which was uncomfortably tight, and wondering how the hell he'd gotten into this mess.

He was still wondering as Lee put some simple make-up on him, as Lee drove them to the restaurant, and as Lee ordered for them both. By that time, he'd decided that it had something to do with the actor's eyes. That, and his lips. Which could be very persuasive.

He was relieved when the server left, since until she did he couldn't talk. His falsetto was very…well, false.

He settled back in his chair, relaxing a little. So far, nothing had been blown up or eaten by demons or otherwise maimed or injured. Things were looking up. He slid down a little further in his chair

Lee quirked an eyebrow at him. "Posture."

Tony muttered something completely unladylike, but sat up straight. Lee's face was calm, but his mirth was obvious - it was dancing in his eyes, reflecting the atmospheric candlelight.

And what the hell was with that? He had no clue why chicks thought candlelight was so romantic. Probably because of the soft glow it gave everything. But besides being a fire hazard, it made things fuzzy and hard to see. And made people's shadows do crazy shit. Tony had good reasons todis like shadows, or darkness in general.

He was about ready to start the conversation ball rolling by sharing the fact that he'd discovered a spell that keep him from losing his keys, when he saw someone approaching their table. He turned to look.

Motherfucker.

He turned away to purposefully stare out the window, really, really hoping that this particular table was not the visitor's destination.

Of course it was. Sometimes he was convinced one of God's (if he existed) favorite hobbies was to mess with his life. And, from that, he'd figured that this supposed God was one twisted son of a bitch.

"Henry." Lee nodded amiably.

"Lee." The vampire smiled, showing off perfect teeth. "Hello. I saw you and I just thought I'd say hi. And…Tony?" His last word was a little bewildered-sounding. "Why the hell, may I ask, are you in drag?"

Oh, god. He was never going to live this down. Never ever ever.

Grinning weakly, he turned to look at his ex. "Uh…hi, Henry. What're you doing here?"

Henry raised his red-gold eyebrows eloquently. "I'm on a date." Subtext: feeding. Or getting ready to.

"What a coincidence. So are we." Lee smirked.

The vampire made a small noise in his throat. "Okay." His lips were twitching. "Here, just a second." He pulled out the camera phone that Tony instantly regretted convincing him to buy, and before Tony could duck behind something, preferably the table, took a picture.

Tony's mouth was open as he stared at him in shock,

That sinking feeling he had plummeted his stomach down thirty stories as he heard Henry mutter "And to forward..."

Oh, god. Never.

Belatedly, Tony tried to grab the cell phone, but it had already given a little chime to indicate that the picture had been sent. Damn Vampire reflexes…

Tony held his head for a minute. "Who'd you send it to?" he finally asked.

"Let's see, Leah, Vicki, Amy…The people I thought might appreciate it."

Tony's head snapped up and he stared at Henry. "You mean the people who'll laugh their asses off and then never let me forget about it. The people who'll still be laughing about it at my funeral."

Henry shrugged.

Tony moaned.

Lee reached over and patted his hand. For his credit, he tried to look sympathetic. He couldn't help the humor that leaked out around the edges. As good an actor as he was, this was just too damn funny.

Tony's head dropped back into his hands. "G'way, Henry…" he mumbled into his palms.

The vampire only shrugged again. "I'll see you later…" he turned and headed back to his food. Date. Whatever.

"C'mon, the food's coming. And you're messing up your make-up." The actor leaned back in his chair and smiled at the top of Tony's head, which was all he could really see at the moment.

The waitress arrived with their food. She set Lee's plate in front of him, giving him a huge smile, and turned to Tony. "Umm…ma'am, if you could move your head, please…"

When a low, growling noise was the only answer she got, she started to look flustered. "Uh, ma'am…"

"FUCK THIS!" Tony suddenly bellowed, grabbing his wig and throwing it down. He shot to his feet and stormed out. On the way, he passed by Henry, who had started taking pictures again, and flipped the vampire off.

Henry only grinned, took a few more photos, and turned to his date, no doubt to tell her funny (read: embarrassing) stories about his ex.

Tony cursed and continued marching out the door, slamming it open and shut with full force.

A car alarm went off somewhere outside.

The restaurant went dead silent.

Lee raised his index finger. "Check, please."


End file.
